• Helen Ferguson

Oh Sh*t! I Should be Wearing my Glasses!

Updated: May 23, 2021

I strive to have my days organised and scheduled with military precision, but often find I'm flying sideways catching curve balls.

I'm highly productive but I was never destined for cool, aloof elegance.

Some people cruise through life barely causing a ripple, I seem to barrel through the day leaving smudges everywhere.

If I'm wearing white, I'm dropping Vegemite on myself.

If I'm wearing black, there's going to be yoghurt on there somewhere.

I manage to get myself into situations that could possibly have been avoided, but, hey ho!

Nothing dangerous: just irritating, or embarrassing, or ‘you’ll laugh about it later’.

What Did You Do?

I have a special subcategory in this area called:

Oh Shit! I Should Be Wearing My Glasses!

I started wearing glasses in my early 20's when I was still searching for my sophistication and all I found was a bucket load of malarkey.

Oh No, How Embarrassing!

My glasses should absolutely be on my face when I'm grocery shopping, that's just practical common sense. It would also have saved me from cheerfully saying

'Hello, you're looking well'

to a complete stranger in the Fresh Fruit section, only to realise by the Bakery aisle, then Toiletries, then Dairy, that I had no idea who she was.


One Autumn afternoon in London, I was walking home from work and the light was beginning to fade.

Up ahead I could see a dark shape on the pavement, as I got closer my eyes squinted and I saw it was a huge spider, far far bigger than you'd expect to see in England!

As I took this information in, there was a light gust of wind and the spider suddenly reared up, scuttling towards me and then launched itself, flying directly at my face!

I lost the plot, dropped my bags and ran like the clappers, screeching in fear, in the opposite direction.

When I turned to check where it was, 'the spider' was a rather crisp and curled oak leaf floating on the breeze, and the men in the adjacent Mechanic Shop were watching me with raised eyebrows and baffled looks on their faces.

I'm friends with a very striking and tall Middle Aged woman.

One afternoon I was having coffee at a local cafe when I leapt to my feet, exclaiming

"Yay! I haven't seen you in ages!"

The random tall lady, who had never laid eyes on me before, was super-keen to get on with her day as soon as she could....

More than once I have spent valuable minutes cursing my car's 'Smart Key' when trying to get into any silver car that has been left unattended, certain that it must be mine.

Getting new glasses when my son was 6 months old was a shock.

I had no idea that your eyes change during pregnancy, and your prescription might need a major overhaul.

Popping the new specs onto my face and seeing my baby snap into crystal clear focus helped me find a whole new level of Mummy Guilt.

Time for a New Prescription

I have been getting used to my new prescription for the last few weeks, and I think I might just have reached my comfort zone.

This is my second pair of Varifocals and I've adjusted much more quickly this time.

My favourite part of the new prescription process is getting fresh prescription Sunglasses.

That is one of my happy places; fashion update, vision update, lovely.


Less happily though, this year my eye check showed abnormalities that suggest Glaucoma has arrived.

We've been testing regularly for a decade or more, as I was highly likely to develop it.

I have been scheduled to see a Specialist Ophthalmologist, and I expect to be given a slew of management techniques.

Middle Age brings new health or well-being challenges for most of us, this one was anticipated for me.

There is no reason to let it spoil my fun, though a new level of discipline will have to be ushered in.

Eye drops will probably become my new best friend, and I will need to educate myself on any lifestyle changes that can help.

I will probably need to stop saying 'Oh shit! I should be wearing my glasses!'

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